Writing- organisation, structure and lauguage

Today my teacher held a writing workshop ( learning session ) and it was about organisation/structure  eg. Ordering paragraphs in my story.  We had to write a story about a character from a book and one of their memories when they were younger. I am going to share my story down below with you. Also this is not real so it is non fiction.

                                                         Another one failed 

P1

"Oh no" , it was time for my surgery again. I was really fed up of going to the hospital every few years or months. Most of them failed but some were ok today was maybe my 6th or 7th but I really can't remember because of my young age. Anyway like always I went to the hospital hoping this time everything was fine.

P2

At the hospital I met a new nurse that I actually saw in the supermarket once, she was getting some baking equipment, I guess he was going to make a fancy treat. While the nurse was talking to mum and dad I looked around even though I knew what the whole place looked like. I kind've over heard the nurse introducing herself, her name was Mrs Tofu. After hearing her name I wondered does Mrs Tofu actually like tofu? Well I thought I'd ask her later because now was the time to go inside.

P3

After my first few steps going inside mum and dad were told to stay outside the ward like always, they were used to it and didn't need reminders but they sat on the bench outside anyway.

P4

Today I saw there was a new change, the room was black with planets, like Mars, the sun, the moon and my favourite planet earth. I like earth because that's were my favourite amusement parks are. Unless aliens on planet Mars have amusement parks. After roaming around the room the nurse introduced herself and also gave me some good news that this room is mine and whenever I need to stay overnight I come stay in here, I was really pleased at first but the nurse also said that we needed to start the operation so I lay on the bed and she gave me a small sleeping shot so I can go to sleep while the surgery was happening.

P5

Finally I am awake the nurse said that it took 5 hours and my parents had even went out shopping for awhile, and also that I can go out but if I don't see them then I have to come straight back in. I went out and saw that the doctor was talking to Mum Dad and Veia. I heard some thing that gave me a key idea of what they were talking about like not good, worse face, sorry , surgery failed I really thought that was not true until this happened I asked politely if I could go to the bathroom Mrs Tofu looked really worried but said yes.

P6

In the bathroom I was washing my hands and looked up and saw that nothing was right I started to panic and knew I didn't have any other choice than to scream, I didn't want to but it just came out. I screamed so loud that nobody in this world  could ever sleep through it. Mum, Dad, Mrs Tofu and Veia started to rush through the door it they couldn't do anything about me all I did was just scream and say I wanted the go home, Mum and Dad did everything they could they gave me a towel to cover my face and we left.

P7

In the car I fell asleep on Via's lap. When I woke up Mum and Dad said to get out of the car, I looked out of the car and saw we were at the mall. Mum said that we were going to buy a mask or helmet for to wear all the time. I thought I thought it was a great idea and I also liked the idea of choosing it. I chose a space. It was really hard to choose only one but in the end my final decision was the space helmet. I picked that one because it had a Tinted lift up glass so no one could see me but I could see them and I could also lift up the glass so I could eat. I was really happy in the end  and wished that everyday I had lots of good things happen to me

By Jessie